FB: Junk Food in Malaysia!

I've always believed the USA is the world leader in junk food (insert chant here: USA! USA! USA!). I have personally held my own strict scientific tests (i.e. stuffing my face and noting the large amount of real estate I now require while standing on a sidewalk). After years of relentless and repetitive testing of products I became quite an expert in this field, and now I have finally reached an astounding conclusion...I’m a fatty. I love snack cakes, chips, doughnuts, pizza, ice cream, candy bars, fast food, the list is endless. I love them so much I think Hostess has a picture of me up in their corporate office (customer of the decade). So our exciting move to Malaysia filled my head with visions of unknown goodies dancing in my head. What I found was not quite the dream I had anticipated. I’ve found strange Oreo cookie flavors, the latest being BlackPink. Seriously? What’s the matter with good ole regular Oreo’s? Do we really NEED one devoted to a K-Pop group? FYI, I had to ask my son (Riot) what BlackPink is, and subsequently what K-Pop is (I thought K-Mart was making a comeback via a popsicle line). To be fair, the Oreo is good, think Oreo cookies with Strawberry Nestle Quick filling, but was this an improvement I ask? Maybe yes, maybe no. Who am I to judge? I’ve found some very unique treats here that have yet to encircle me in their snacky arms. Let’s go over a very small sample of them. THUMBS: Yup, Thumbs. I’ve walked by shelves of these in the stores and have not a single desire to try them. Could it be that the picture of a thumb on the front really doesn’t do it for me? YES. It’s a bag of peanuts (I think), but the thought of a thumb kind of puts a damper on things for me. I was taught not to bite my fingernails, let alone eat an entire thumb. I bet I can get Riot to eat them…who wants a snack? THIS GUY (thumbs pointing at him)! FISH CHIPS: In walks CRISPY FISH CHIPS! Nothing sounds as yummy as Pringles style chips in FISH flavor! I know I personally have a hard time stopping eating Pringles, and you do too. Admit it. It’s okay, this is a safe space. But with these I just can’t muster enough courage to dive into the can. Maybe it’s all those years of fishing in the states and seeing a form of crispy fish on the banks of the lakes and rivers (flat, dry as dust, nasty) … So let’s get Riot to try them! That kid will probably love em’… GOLDIES: I think it’s like a Twinkie (aka ‘Golden Bun of Heaven’ in my world). But the big eyes and mouth on the packaging scare me. I’m not proud, I can say it. I fear tearing the package right between those eyes will lock me into a lifetime of nightmarish dreams of those eyes…LOOKING. AT. ME. BIKA CUTTLEFISH CRACKERS: Due to my island heritage I’ve eaten my share of squid, octopus and other weird ocean offerings. However this crunchy option is just not sitting right with me (and a cuttlefish doesn’t really ‘sit’ anywhere. Ever.). A cuttlefish should be a little rubbery in texture, and with little to no flavor (c’mon people, it’s the sauce that brings the flavor). To have a cracker seems to go against nature itself, at least to me. I vow to never try these. Until I go out and buy a bag next time I’m at the store. Bonus from the “was this necessary” category: Chupa Chups & Jelly Belly Sodas: How is this real? Two candy makers each had a thought, “how can we get more sugar into our customers, hmmmm… I know! Let’s make a soft drink made entirely of sugar”! Apparently making candy out of straight sugar wasn’t enough, so in walks diabetes in a can. I’m not sure I could handle the overload of sweetness I imagine will flow from these cans. Maybe I can? Maybe it's worth the risk? I’ll think about it for a bit, just give me a second while I shove another BlackPink Oreo into my mouth…